Just Pals Being Heterosexual
by CinnamonCombat
Summary: I don't know what this is, but enjoy it. In which Stimpy and totally straight Ren teach some toxic white girls about respecting gay rights all while being totally straight. Very short and written late at night, so punctuation might be off and might be ooc. But have fun, you rascals. (rated T for language and gayness)


Ren rubbed his temple and exhaled sharply, hoping to not make a scene.

It was a crisp, bright December day, perfect for going out. Even the most indoor people were out and about, appreciating the holiday lights and the season's comforting colors.

Ren and Stimpy were planning on seeing a new film that afternoon, but the blockbuster had sold out all of its tickets. So, the two pals decided to make the most of their time and take a stroll.

That stroll ended up in a coffee shop, and then in a heated conversation.

After ordering their beverages - Stimpy chose a peppermint latte, but Ren insisted on black coffee to look manly - the two friends settled down at a table in the middle of the shop.

Peacefully chatting for a few minutes, they finished off their drinks and turned their attention to the small television on the wall. A bulky news caster was talking about gay rights.

"A Brooklyn woman refused to issue a marriage license to a lesbian couple this morning, and will soon be put through custody," the man then interviewed the young couple, stuffing several microphones in their faces.

"That's horrible, Ren," Stimpy scorned at the television, taking a sip of his latte, "What if something like that happened to us?"

Ren rolled his eyes. "I've told you a million times, idiot. I'm not gay. We don't have to worry about that jazz, because we aren't a couple."

Stimpy was about to reply to his comment, when he was interrupted by the screechy chattering of two white girls nearby.

"Ew! That's nasty. I don't blame that lady; gay people are gross and against God!" a teenage girl sat with her friend and locked her phone, ready for conversation.

"I know, right?" a slightly taller girl sipped her pumpkin spice latte and snorted, "Two girls or boys together? I'm gonna kinkshame."

The two girls barked back at each other and adjusted their yoga pants.

A couple tables over, Stimpy watched in growing concern as Ren repeatedly clenched his small fists.

"Are you hearing this, Stimpy?! Those girls over there," Ren furled his brow and growled, "They're being extremely homophobic."

"Homophobic, Ren?" Stimpy looked at the irked Chihuahua in curiousity.

"It's when people don't like or discriminate gay people," Ren pulled at his shirt collar, "I can't stand people like that, it's rude and absolutely unnecess-"

The two friends were yet again interrupted by the two young girls. They were cackling over something alien on their smartphones.

"This is gayest shit I've ever seen!" the shorter girl babbled as her bun bounced on her head.

"Jesus Christ, boys should not hold hands! I'm unfollowing him right now, the fag." the taller one grunted, a hint of up talk in her voice.

Ren slumped over in disbelief, arms in the air. "What assholes!"

Stimpy gasped and carefully grabbed Ren's hands, "Ren! Language!"

The two teenage girls looked over at a soft-eyed red cat holding a deranged, stringy Chihuahua.

Ren noticed the girl's staring and flushed, "What're you looking at?!"

The shorter girl scoffed, "Pfft, uh, 'scuse me boys, but this is a public establishment. You're making us very uncomfortable, actually."

Ren scrambled frantically out of Stimpy's grasp, face bright red.

"Excuse me, but I'm as straight as the pole your mom dances on, dingus!"

The taller of the girls smirked. "Yeah, because straight people would totally just cuddle each other. Gay!"

"What's wrong with gay people?" Stimpy crossed his arms and frowned, "Shouldn't everybody be treated fairly?"

By now a small crowd of shop-goers and employees had gathered, much to Ren's dismay.

"Gays are nasty, shit lord." the girls crossed their arms.

Ren went bug-eyed. "No one cusses at Stimpy but _ME_. What planet did you come from?! And no matter what the hell your sexual orientation is, don't discriminate others for having different orientations! You idiotic bloated ball sacks!"

Ren quickly grabbed Stimpy by the shoulders and kissed him deeply, his arms wrapping around his back. Stimpy reached his hands up and rested them on Ren's neck, face flushed.

Pulling away, Stimpy flopped around in a lovestruck daze as Ren smirked at the two disgusted adolescents.

"ICK!" the shorter girl gagged and reached out for her friend, "Ashlyn did you - did you see th-that?!"

"How could I fucking miss it, Monica," the taller girl mumbled quietly, catching her friend's attention.

Monica furled her brow. "Excuse me, Ashlyn, but now's not the time to be a piss-ass."

Ren raised an eyebrow at the girls' bickering.

"...Monica, this is wrong," Ashlyn crossed her arms and scorned, "Why discriminate people just to discriminate people?!"

Monica rubbed her temple in frustration, "Look, we've been over this, Ashie-"

Ashlyn walked out of the shop with Monica following close behind.

With a now silent shop, the employees went back to work in a tick as if this happened four times a day.

Ren stood triumphantly in his place, smirking at his victory. Stimpy sat in a chair behind him, grinning to himself, hand on his lip.

"So..." Stimpy cocked his head, "Are we going to kiss again?"

* * *

I don't know what this is, but I hoped you might of enjoyed it. Possibly.

I don't know what bad turn I might of made to write Ren and Stimpy fanfiction, but I almost feel bad for myself.

Happy holidays, guys! ;)

\- CinnamonCombat ( _emperor of bad decisions_ )


End file.
